Present Good Health is Not a Guarantee of Future Good Health

Standard

If I ever find out that a healthcare worker assisting in my care isnt vaccinated because they don’t want to get vaccinated, they better hope they can outrun my fury.

I know what it’s like to nearly die in ICU. I had Last Rights performed on me.

I had a series of mini strokes all over my brain, with some damage occurring on right side.

Before medical records were electronic, my medical record after my 6 week hospital stay and first open heart and then all of the tests and stays leading up to 2nd open heart 18 months later, plus that open heart and over a week long stay added up to a massive pile of paper.

I still remember the cardiology nurse fetching me in the waiting room for my yearly heart visit and being surprised at my youth because my records were huge.

I still remember the terror of it all.

The ICU, CICU, the ventilator, the team of doctors, the tests and scans, the weakness, the congestive heart failure and pulmonary edema. I wore out fast and couldn’t breathe fully. My chest carved open twice. The tubes. Being trapped in the bed. The PICC line. The bad news. So many nurses. My family’s faces. My own fucking fear.

But I got to go home. Eventually. It all still changed me. I didn’t heal right the first time. So another open heart to repair. And PTSD.

This was all on top of my rheumatoid arthritis.

All of what I’ve been through is similar to what Covid-19 patients have gone through and are going through…if they survived.

I’m blessed to be on an antidepressant that numbs my panic and anxiety enough to where I’m not experiencing my terror and PTSD in those ways.

Instead, I’m pissed off. These people infuriate me.

THEY HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT THEY ARE FORCING UPON THEMSELVES AND THE REST OF US.

NO FUCKING IDEA.

BUT I DO.

I FUCKING DO AND I NEVER WANT TO HAVE TO FIGHT TO SURVIVE LIKE THAT AGAIN.

August 9th marks the night that I was supposed to die. And August 10th marks the day I survived to live.

And I don’t want to lose that for myself or anyone else because of some FUCKING MORONS who believe in a conspiracy theory.

Let me tell you right now that it’s not a fucking conspiracy when you’re trapped in an ICU bed trying to breathe as the doctor tells you that they don’t think you’ll survive the night.

It’s not fake news then.

It’s the moment that EVERYTHING becomes crystal clear and there’s no guarantee that you’ll even escape alive.

WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO RISK THAT? WHY?

I have been there and I can never forget. I see it every time I look in the mirror.

The stroke damage to my face.

The massive scar to reach my heart.

I hear it in my head. My valve is mechanical.

The scars on my body from all of the tubes stuck into me to save my life.

Even if you escape death, you aren’t unscathed.

You won’t be the person who you are now.

You think the vaccine is damaging and too risky to your life?

Try surviving a major unplanned health crisis.

Try begging your body to hang on and pull through.

You won’t recognize yourself in the mirror, if you survive.

Your body will have changed.

And your heart, your mind. Your memories will be haunted from this fresh terror of fighting against Death.

But if Death comes, it’s your end. A final breath. Alarms silenced. Ventilator and tubes removed. A body hauled off the bed into a bag and identified by a toe tag.

All because your immune system wasn’t trained to recognize and fight the virus ahead of time.

I want you to sit or stand up straight. Take a deep breath, inhaling through your mouth deep into your lungs. Exhale.

Again. And exhale. Slowly.

And again. Think of something you love about this feeling. Hold it. Exhale slowly.

Once more.

How does it feel? Do you like that feeling? Do you feel alive? Why would you ever want to risk losing this wondrous feeling of your lungs filled with air?

Tell me, do you still want to take the chance of losing this amazing feeling of breathing life into your body?

NextDoor, A Series…

Standard

Or why it’s a bad idea to remind Trump supporters, especially here in Ohio, that they’re Trump supporters during the festive holiday season. They get so upset…it’s fascinating how they don’t realize that they’re just telling on themselves.

My commentary is in bold below. I must say that “copy text from image” is the most amazing thing ever! Made this all a bit easier. I do have the screenshots to back it up.

So it began…Amber and Ricky have a Christmas display on their corner lot. Someone wrote a card saying that it’s awesome and wonderful because pandemic depression and she shared it on NextDoor. After a bit, someone asked which house and she described it. I realized that’s that Trump supporter house that I’ve been flipping off all year (if it’s got a Trump sign and same for the ones with police support signs that became a thing here after all of the Black Lives Matter protests, it’s the least y’all deserve. Though the ones with Jesus 2020 signs and police support signs are the ones that I laugh at because Pontius Pilate).

Anyways…

Amber says:
Hi our house sits at the corner or Blah Blah and Blargh- we have a replica leg lamp in our front window – stop by and enjoy the light show
I recognized this location, as I pass it by to get to a major road…and have flipped it off for months accordingly. So I asked…

Kris:
Amber, The house that had the Trump and Pence mannequins?

Amber:
Kris, not really sure why that’s relevant or related to this post

Oh, please. Yes, you do know. You just don’t like it. It means that you’re a hypocrite, supporting Trump and decorating for Christian Christmas. Anyways, I went ahead and explained why in my trademark deadpan. I did get a like from one neighbor before my comment was deleted.


Kris:
Amber, I have a long memory regarding neighbors and their values. Trump supporters are unforgivable in my mind and heart.
It’s true. Don’t trust a Trump supporter. Expect a cup of sugar and all you’ll get is salt. And even that’s not seasoned right. Just all around bad.

Amber:
Kris, you might wanna check your heart and values. Someone’s political views have zero
to do their heart and intentions Kettering offers plenty of great church’s hopefully you find one
that forgives your cold heart (edited)

Is she for real? Like really real? How does she not comprehend that one’s political views have EVERYTHING to do with their heart and intentions? Is she not human? Well, you know…that would actually explain things. It’s interesting how these Trump supporting Christians recommend church attendance and expect one to require forgiveness from an organization that one is expected to tithe to weekly. So I was raised Catholic and obtained 5 of the 7 Sacraments (I’m not a priest and I married an Athiest) and decided to leave the Church because I couldn’t stand the hypocrisy, the abuse, and discrimination against so many. It didn’t feel Holy. Throw shame at a gay person, but protect the priestly pedophiles is not Holy. If I want to experience the Holy, I go outside and plant flowers in my yard and watch the earthworms squirm around. But then I shouldn’t be surprised that they fail to see themselves… because these types also refuse to admit what having a police support sign in the yard of their white flight suburb actually means to Black neighbors. Basically, the golden ticket in their yard for when the Black Lives Matter protests riot in their streets. That’s what they fear, anyway. They’ve said as much on NextDoor since the protests increased this year.

Benita:
Kris: your political comment has no place on this thread. Please stay on topic and be civil in your conversation (edited)
I am being civil. My lack of cussing on NextDoor really should count for something. It’s funny how they all think they know me, isn’t it, friends? Just wait til my next comment…


Kris:
Benita, Jesus was a brown (with potentially Black) refugee protester who was targeted, arrested, and executed for so-called “political crimes” (read: being a threat) against those in power, so I respectfully disagree.

If you ever want to piss off a white Christian hypocrite, just remind them that Jesus wasn’t white. They get all “how dare you…” It’s wild.

Benita:
Kris, again your comment had no place in this post. Glad you have a place to voice your comments!

This is just bizarre as a response. So here, I think she’s referring to the private group on NextDoor that I created this year called “Progressives in Suburbia.” I created this group as a shelter in the storm of NextDoor/Trump’s presidency/this pandemic that exists due to Trump supporters and anti-maskers in our area being given permission to be abusive entitled assholes towards anyone who points out logic, science, and common sense. Oh, and Black Lives Matter. Especially when they’re discussing police support. That really triggers these snowflakes. There are two additional admins in the group due to the local Leads love for trying to suspend me repeatedly. One time, just moments before a suspension kicked me out, I received notification that Benita requesting to join the group. Yes, really. Her request was dismissed. I don’t need bullshit mucking about in a space for us all to breathe and de-stress.

Ricky: Kris, we are really friendly neighbors no matter who you support with that being said if ever need a ride to the mental hospital please message us.

So here, he’s just showing us exactly why he’s perfectly comfortable being a Trump supporter. Recall when Trump mocked the disabled reporter Serge Kovaleski. So friendly. So nice. Paragon of virtue.

Benita: I am sorry that every post turns into a discriminatory or derogatory or political comment on a certain neighbors part. her report of my comment to be removed and being a hypocrite all at the same time, speaks volumes of this person. No need to be hateful and call names. I wish you Kris, the best of the holiday seasons (since between now and mid January there are about 20+ people can celebrate).

But she’s not sorry to protect and uphold white supremacy, Trump supporters, and anti-maskers on NextDoor. She calls it all a difference of opinion. Human rights? Difference of opinion. Wearing masks in a pandemic? Difference of opinion. Oh, and her classic: racism is just difference of opinion. She has demanded that we be nice to people making racist comments on NextDoor. Oh, and don’t dare call them that word. That’s mean. She likes to pull the community guidelines out for that. Be nice…fuck no, racists actively saying shit don’t deserve shit. Oh, and my report of her comment wasn’t to be removed. It was to again point out that she shouldn’t be a Lead. Reminding her over and over that she shouldn’t be a Lead.

Benita: Ricky, try not to get caught up in her diatribe of insults and reporting on what was a nice neighborly and thankful post during a trying time for everyone. It takes all kinds to make the world go round!

Calling people “Trump supporters” is an insult now? Good to know! I’m sorry but I’m not thankful for having Trump supporters in the neighborhoods, who supported a sociopath who actively ignored a pandemic and has cost hundreds of thousands of U.S. American lives. It’s a trying time directly because of it. Their support of Trump and his presidency led us into this damn pandemic, so don’t try and act like a Christmas yard display and fucking leg lamp in your window is going to forgive it or somehow make it all better. It’s just lipstick on a pigg. It takes all kinds to make the world go round? Really. Unfortunately, it also takes all kinds to fuck up the world and y’all are on that list. Remember, Leave It to Beaver and all of those tv shows that fill you with nostalgia were based on bullshit social expectations, misogyny, lies. Hello, Pleasantville.

I responded…
Benita, It’s interesting how blind y’all are. I reported on how you shouldn’t be a Lead due to
your need to suppress people speaking up and out and Ricky was reported for mocking disabled people in his attempt to insult me (just like Trump). But go on, keep telling on yourselves. I want the neighborhood to see who y’all really are, even though Jesus already knows.

Oh, Ricky…Ricky, Ricky…tsk tsk. Poor thing, not so bright.

Ricky:
Kris, what you’ve just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.


I’m quite certain that I was appropriately coherent in my response above to them. They’re just exceedingly dumb. He doesn’t see anything wrong in making a reference to mental health hospitals as if I’m crazy. This is nothing new. White men have been calling us women hysterical for ages. It’s just that now they can’t put us away in an asylum as they could “back in the good ol’ days.” He brings up God as if he knows her intimately. I bet he thinks God resembles some old, white man. Likely with a bad orange spray tan. Now God, to my mind, is a Black woman. I think she’s a bit busy right now welcoming the pandemic Dead and the Black murder victims of police. She’s busy listening to the anger of the Ancestors and families of the murdered as they demand justice. She doesn’t have time for white tears and supremacy.


Benita:
Kris,yes, you are right Kris. When the topic warrants comments, you will find you are reported way before I even check on those reports. When you go off topic to drive a conversation or dig to name call, label and categorize, different story. Life is too short, and I am sure depending on which Jesus any person talks to, at the end of the day, our hearts know. Have a wonderful weekend and a great Holiday Season!

There’s more than one Jesus? What, the white one and the real one? So what Benita here is referring to has occurred over the past year; she thinks that referring to racist people as racists is name-calling. That should tell you everything you need to know. She thinks that calling other white people out on their racist commentary is mean and unneighborly. I guess she wants us to get their white hoods washed and pressed for them too, hm? Then she points out that life is too short. Elsewhere on this blog, I have a post from this year that has a list of Black victims of police murder. Those lives were cut short. Did you know that growing old as a Black person is considered such a gift and a blessing because it is not guaranteed nor expected for them in our society? Yeah, so they don’t get to spend the holidays or even lunch from Subways with their family because y’all prefer to support police over Black Lives Mattering. We can see where your hearts truly lie. Read that again.

Kris:
Benita, Amber asked why I cared about the identity of her house. I told her. Not my problem if y’all don’t like being exposed. (edited) (My edit was to correct an auto-correct error.) Read on to see how Benita still doesn’t get it. I suppose my expectations are far too high. I mean, she is a white Boomer after all.

Benita:
Exposed? Because others viewpoints differ from yours? Can we say in a neighborly way the house …blah, blah blah without getting on a tirate to expose what? Political sign or house for sale sign? What the difference. That if her neighbors needed her she would be there no matter what? That when it snows she may shovel her neighbors side walk or pick up trash blown in her yard? Nextdoor is about neighbors and neighborly actions and comments to help us have a better community. Love and peace out!

So just to review, being a white person who calls out any racist shit or rhetoric on NextDoor in a white flight suburban city is unneighborly. Also, there’s no difference between a political sign or a yard sign, or really even a human rights sign to Benita. Let’s just be real on what that reveals about a person.

Can I say in a neighborly way the house blah blah blah? No, I actually was quite civil in the direct description I provided. Because what I really wanted to say was: Oh, are you the dumbass Trump supporter house that had the stupid Trump and Pence mannequins in your side yard, with the multiple Trump and police support signs (upholding that white supremacy, yeehaw!) plus an idiotic Trump flag? Was that y’all? OH yeah, and the Hillary Clinton mannequin in a jail cell back in 2016? (I don’t forget…) because if anyone actually should be in jail, it’s your Trump god. Rape, assault, financial fraud…pick one.

Meanwhile, our communities punish Black people for even less. Where is their love? Their peace?

But as you can see, she just kept on telling on herself. She reminds me of the sort who would give away the location of slaves or Jews hiding from their oppressors while actively being hunted. She actively suppressed Black Lives Matter discussion until NextDoor changed the guidelines within this year. The days of Leave It to Beaver and the Andy Griffith show are over. Nostalgia is a feeling based on illusion and emotion. The USA wasn’t great back then either. I wonder though… If a cross was burnt in the yard of a house in her neighborhood, would she demand them to refer to the hate crime in a more neighborly way so as not to offend the white supremacist neighbor who lit the match?

There is no peace until Black Lives Matter.

Ricky decided that he hadn’t dug his hole deep enough and contributed this:

Ricky:
Kris You can expose us all you want I’m pretty sure every neighbor knows we voted Trump and for your info that wasn’t Pence next to Trump That was actually Biden Sniffing Trump cause I am that person that doesn’t give a shit who gets offended and no matter who wins the presidency I will support that president that wins I won’t cry and complain the next 4 years I’ll continue to get up and put on my boots and go to work to support my family. Merry Christmas enjoy the lights from us Trump Supporters !

He’s that person who doesn’t give a shit who gets offended. Right-o. Unless it’s him, as evidenced by his responses. I offended poor Ricky, by pointing out that his support of Trump makes for a shitty human. You’d think they wouldn’t be so bothered by being called out for being trash, I mean, Trump supporters. After all, they’re so proud of their trash…Trump. Why though, I don’t understand. Trump can’t even find a decent tan spray. Nor can he drink or stand properly. Such an embarrassment.

Jack:
Kris, you are becoming everything you claim to hate

So Jack here lives up a street from me. From what I’ve been able to gather, he’s still a kid. I don’t like to pick on kids. They’re a product of their parents, after all. Which is evidenced by his response.

It’s interesting how white people in general get mad at being called out for their hate. The only weapon they have to lob back is an accusation of hate against them. This isn’t hate. I’m wary of your worth as a decent human being. I question it. I think y’all are untrustworthy, stupid, and the sort to hide a zombie bite during a zombie apocalypse. There were, probably still are, Vets for Trump. I’m the daughter of a USMC officer and as a result, grew up moving around, living on military bases and outside the U.S. so just seeing those Vet for Trump signs… Trump bought his way out of serving while how many others had to be drafted and died or were injured in his place? What number was called up because he got out of it? He’s a traitor to this country, to military service, and the fact that y’all refuse to see it is concerning. I grew up as the daughter of a Marine. I know what honor looks like and it’s not Trump.

Kris:
Jack, I just want to thank all of you on this thread for doing all of the work for me, in revealing yourselves. Tres magnifique!

I mean, they really did all the work for me. Jack is only tagged there due to being the last in the thread.

Benita:
Kris Seaman and you are what? Revealing yourself as well…laissez le bon temps rouler

Yes, I’ve revealed myself on NextDoor repeatedly as someone bringing up Anti-Racism and questioning y’all for your fear of Black Lives Matter and ANTIFA. I’m sorry…would you like me better if I upheld your problematic bullshit and allowed the matter of human rights to merely be a difference of opinion?

Then Benita went back and edited her comment to this:

Benita:
Kris Seaman and you are free to say anything you like on any post…great to have those freedoms.
(edited)

That was after I reported Benita the Lead with my usual “Yeah, so this is why you shouldn’t be a Lead.” Apparently, Leads see the reports from comments and posts and then vote on their validity. NextDoor does not see these. So I often address her directly in my reports about her. Honestly, I have no problem with what these Trump supporters think of me. As if they actually have standards...

Kris:
Benita, Interesting considering my comments are now deleted. But that’s okay because l have all the screenshots, including of your conveniently edited comments, viewable to the public.

Always screenshot their bullshit. Otherwise, they will attempt to gaslight you.

Benita:
Kris, as do I. Sorry, I am sure this is all about you. I am not sure which comments but I am not the only lead who votes. Let’s not put blame on what one does not know. Appreciate you kind
consideration.

She wants my kind consideration. This is the same person who, after I divulged the vandalism to the Black Lives Matter sign in my yard, she commented alleging that I created and placed (in perfect Karen level of craft effort…) the folded cardboard with ALL written on both sides taped to my sign myself. So I ordered this yard sign and placed it in my yard after incidents at work where a bunch of white Trump supporters went to HR to complain about Black coworkers wearing Black Lives Matter face masks, after watching my Black friends and coworkers bow their heads and get quiet after another Black life was deliberately extinguished, after their murderers got out on bond to go home, after listening to their stories of racism…to them, their children, their partners, their friends, their families. Every single one with multiple stories full of dread and fear. I believe Black people when they tell me so. Do you?

Further, I learned everything I needed to know about her when she backed up the Trump supporters, anti-maskers, and the racist commenters on NextDoor all year long. She attempts to only publicly castigate me in these posts. Ricky was not publicly castigated, instead she offered him sympathy and encouragement to not get so worked up over me. Meanwhile, he makes the mental health hospital insult. Right, so that’s not something to joke about. Ever. The fact that he thinks this is an appropriate response again is revealing.

Funny how Trump supporters demand to be respected, isn’t it? As if they have any standards…

What do you think? Stay safe out there!

Let’s Be Good Neighbors…

Standard

Inspired by bullshit on NextDoor from neighbors who allow antivaxx, Anti-Mask, and Trump buffoonery to flourish.

Let's be good neighbors
Yet allow people to die.

Let's be good neighbors
Yet not question Trump's lies.

Let's be good neighbors
And allow super-spreader crowds.

Let's be good neighbors
And shut our mouths.

Let's be good neighbors
Where false equivalency reigns.

Let's be good neighbors
Where Death of Mercy campaigns.

Let's be good neighbors
While lungs stop breathing.

Let's be good neighbors
While hearts quit beating.

Let's be good neighbors
But ignore their pleading.

Let's be good neighbors
But call it belief and opinion.

Let's be good neighbors
Only valuing rallies that defy.

Let's be good neighbors
Only to let our neighbors die.

Let's be good neighbors
So we pretend it's all right.

Let's be good neighbors
So we pretend as people die.

Mechanical Heart Strings – Pitch Concept

Standard

I wrote this for a Pitchapalooza virtual event recently. I wasn’t chosen at random, but I figure I can still put it out there.

A crabby hermit clambering through different shells.

Pretty shells, gritty shells, broken shells, stubborn shells; a continuous struggle against the shells that hold us and the shells that expose us.

Shells echo sound, often the crashing waves of the ocean…though now, the crashing waves of my life.

But what if the sound echoed from my heart? Not a beating heart, but a ticking one. Ticking soft, ticking loud.

Every tick of time marks a moment in the stories of my life.

Some shells may tick louder than others – Every tick is solid in its impact, reverberating though time, like a note plucked on a guitar string.

My heart’s strings, sounding out the stories of a lonely child, multiple relocations, a new country, the cruelty of peers – both in youth and adulthood, the chronic pain of a new normal, the nevermore of what you expected to always be, how passion lies and heartbreak subsides, the feeling of Death as It claws near but releases you to start anew, how it is to be a woman but not a mother, a woman but not a housewife, and a woman with little care for tact yet a heart full of empathy for what truly matters.

Because she knows how every shell has its own echo; every form that holds each story was designed to fit differently and reveal its truth brilliantly.

Pick up and hold these shells as you would a book laid open in your hands.

Do you feel the echoes as the moments of my life tick loud?

Soak up the cacophony of ticking memories.

It’s only my story plucking at your heart strings.

Every Public Service Job Counts…(and Zazzle products list)

Standard

Or rather, “All Public Service Jobs Matter” though Zazzle holds a policy against usage of “All” combined with “Matter” unless it is specifically for Black Lives Matter. I’m guessing that some assholes decided to be assholes against the #BlackLivesMatter movement and so the policy had to be implemented.

So I was inspired to create this motto in response to the sprouting up of police support signs in the white-flight suburb of Kettering, Ohio and Oakwood, Ohio (where local police hold a propensity for pulling over Black drivers.)

The racist motivation behind the signs is quite clear, as much as they may refuse it, deflect it, or attempt to excuse it. It is known that many in the area were motivated to purchase those signs due to the so-called “police hate” resulting from the protests for Black Lives and equality that have taken place across this country.

Well, two can play at that game.

So after creating a design, I got on Zazzle.com to start making items that point out public service is a JOB. A job. Clock in, clock out. Jobby job job. A position with duties, perhaps a uniform. At the very least, a dress code. Supervisors. Management.

Essentially, the usual trope against Black Lives Matter is that “all lives matter.” So my response to the racist “we support the police” signs is that “all public service jobs matter” but again, through the wording that every public service job counts. Public service is public tax dollars at work. Doesn’t every dollar count?

Cops always get the most credit. But what about the other agencies and departments, the many essential workers keeping the community running smoothly? Oh, but cops protect us, eh?

What about the people working in the public sanitation and solid waste? You think they aren’t protecting you too?

Oh, but cops get yelled at and have to deal with unreasonable people, angry people, etc. and so forth, eh?

There are so many public servants in various offices and agencies who, in the course of a workday, handle and speak with angry citizens, recipients, clients, etc. And they often are held accountable if something improper is done in terms of case work, eligibility, or any number of things impacting the public.

Lastly, for the locals, don’t try to throw the police in the faces of Black people who live in suburban neighborhoods. They can already tell that you’re a scared racist asshole by the Trump signs and flags in your yard.

This is intended as a form of Good Trouble, as coined by the late American statesman and civil rights leader John Lewis. Proceeds from the sale of items will be donated to a local Dayton/Miami Valley Area organization that is centered on Black Lives.

Continue reading

#BlackLivesMatter #BelieveBlackPeople #NoJusticeNoPeace

Standard

So the below piece is something I wrote and posted on my Facebook on September 12th, after finally waking up after my Humira injection. Sipping coffee while standing and then finally sitting at the kitchen counter, hunting and pecking this guidance out on my tablet over the course of several hours. It’s that driven sensation, perhaps still connected to the universe through the recent dreaming, allowing all of this to churn itself outwards from my fingers. I’m compelled to speak up, again. And in this case, cuss like a motherfucker.

Facebook posts end up lost in the constant updates to one’s timeline. Especially mine. I’m GalWithGloves pretty much everywhere on social media. My public posts are decidedly public, all for a reason. Often Anti-racist information. As I posted this writing on there, I’ve found out that it’s meant something to those who have read it. It’s lifted some spirits up, right when it’s needed. Right when we have a president who upholds white supremacy. So I’m posting it here, on my blog, in case someone who is exhausted and justifiably upset is needing to be seen, heard, and believed. Looking for a little faith in a world designed to oppress them, body and hope…

******************************************************************

So I wake up from my Humira coma this afternoon to discover that I’ve been suspended yet again on #NextDoor for being “unneighborly” here in #ketteringohio…You want to know what’s unneighborly? Police yard signs that exist only because white people are scared of #Black people protesting and rioting to demand the same privileges that the whites already got.

So this is really long. Tissues may be needed due to imagery and names. Facebook also apparently has a limit of 50 tags. So if a tag doesn’t work, please copy and paste into Google to find out more.

There are Black neighbors, exhausted, having to pretend they don’t see this shit or feel bothered by it. It’s fine that I’m suspended. Every suspension is proof to me that I’m doing the Lord’s work and they can’t stand it. People around here in the suburbs are so exceptionally entitled and sheltered. There’s this insane desire to “keep the peace.” Meanwhile, #NoJusticeNoPeace..

Every suspension is a win for #goodtrouble. I’ll never stop bringing up #BlackLivesMatter on NextDoor here in the white suburbs. I know there are neighbors who are afraid to say anything different because they don’t want to alienate people. Me? I don’t give a fuck. Probably from all that military moving around as a kid, combined with my work. My next-door neighbors have a Trump sign in their yard now. You think I can trust that? With everything Trump stands for? Let’s not forget that someone on my street fucked with my Black Lives Matter yard sign. You think I can respect anyone who does that? Fuck no. And you all actually know me…my neighbors really don’t. Talking to neighbors is some customer service voice and conversation skills level shit. They have never heard me talk or be as my true self, even on NextDoor (which is why suspensions are further hilarious…I never cuss! But I should! Racist assholes.)

Also, I tweeted at Next Door to document and share another example of unneighborly bullshit suspensions. If you check the tweets sent to them, you’ll often find stories of how those calling out the racism are punished while the racists are not, especially if the Leads are racist conservatives. Many things came to light when NextDoor started to “allow” Black Lives Matter discussions. Getting suspended is just proof of white people’s discomfort with the discussion of Black Lives.

“But these signs are about Police…” Oh, are they? Are they really? Because the timing is awfully telling of the fact that it’s not and that your lily-white ass is so scared of Black protest and riots that you feel you need to make sure that the police know that you must be protected because you have the golden ticket staked into your lawn. Don’t forget to leave Santa Blue a plate of donuts and a mug of coffee for when they come to save you at midnight.

Now I support the police…with my tax dollars. Quite frankly, #AllPublicServiceJobsMatter, ahem. But I don’t trust them anymore. Not after the frightening stories that have been shared with me by my Black friends. #BelieveBlackPeople They have more than one story. I’ve never been scared at a police stop. And I can count the number on less than one hand for being stopped. They often have more stories than the fingers on one hand. They fear for their children, especially as they grow up. They fear for their spouses, parents, cousins, sisters, and brothers…direct blood or not. They know the feeling of watching their loved one walk out the door of their home and not know if they’re going to come back, like #AhmaudArbery. Except in this case, unlike cops, it’s not because of a uniform that they can peel off at the end of shift. It’s because of the Black color of their skin. They can’t take off their skin! It’s alive, unlike the blue fabric of a police uniform. When you shoot them, they bleed from their Black skin being deliberately punctured. They bleed out from their Black bodies. They die because they’re Black. They’re pursued because they’re Black. They’re watched because they’re Black. They’re followed because they’re Black. They’re chased because they’re Black. They die because they’re Black. Their mothers weep from the depths of their beating hearts and traumatized yet resilient souls because someone, often white, killed their beautiful Black baby. The precious child they brought into this world and held in their arms, feeding from their bosom to grow up into an adult; something that every parent wants. But Black people are punished for it.

Police can hide in plain sight, plain clothes. Black people cannot (and if you think they can because of lighter skin tone, then that’s on you for refusing to see them truly since white is always the default to us whites). Police are paid to be police. Black people are not. Police are given a vehicle to drive around to do their job. Black people are followed and stopped for driving any kind of car, but especially one that looks nice and was bought with their own extra hard-earned money (worked for twice as hard with at least twice the effort of any white person; see Trump vs. Obama.) They’re pulled over for driving anywhere, but especially in the “wrong” area (also Oakwood and then Desiree Tims experienced this in Genoa Township in 2019, and then they created news articles and a Facebook page against her regarding the incident to deliberately malign her reputation.) Hell, Black people are watched and followed, even questioned, for just walking down the “wrong” street, even if they’re carrying a clipboard (Oakwood). Police are given a uniform, badge, and gun. Black people are humans born into this world, crying out as they take their first breath just like every white baby…except their pain, their health issues, and their health emergencies are often questioned and ignored. Their Black mothers are at a higher risk of dying from childbirth than any white mother reading this.

My workplace lost just such a Black mother last year. She had just passed the difficult training and probationary period to dedicate herself to public service, bringing a precious child into this world, and it was all taken away. Her Black child has no Black mother to hold them, to rock them to sleep, to nurture them, to watch them grow up, and smile at the wonder of her beautiful Black child. I don’t know if she was even able to see or hold her baby after birth. Imagine this. Now this Black mother must watch her Black child grow up from heaven, with their #ancestors wrapping their spiritual arms around them both, for strength, for hope, for protection. Because they know that her Black child is going to be hunted from first breath to the moment of their final exhalation. The Black ancestors know all too well. For they bear marks and lashes upon their Black skin from the hatred of their white masters. Their Black bodies were repeatedly violated in rape for the enslavement of so-called “pleasure” of their monstrous white masters. The Black mothers had their own Black babies ripped out of their arms, sobbing and screaming for their inherent right to be mothers. All taken away to be sold and enslaved. The white masters ignored them, likely punishing them for their rightful rage.

And you wonder why their Black descendants protest, riot, and even kneel? I would burn the world down too if my blood carried the fire of so many deliberate crimes against Black motherhood, Black skin. Wouldn’t you? Can you hear them scream “My baby! My baby!”? This happened over and over and over to enslaved Black mothers. In fact, it’s still happening now. Imagine how the mother of #GeorgeFloyd must have felt up there in heaven watching her Black son be murdered by a power-tripping white cop? Her baby. Her baby. Imagine how their Black ancestors felt watching the white masters murder through lynching again, shaking their heads because this has gotta stop.

I want you to know that when Black people protest, they aren’t alone. Never alone. Their Black #ancestorsspeak and march with them too. You may not be able to see them, but you can feel them, you can hear them speak in the buzzing of the air. There is a fire burning in all of the hearts of Black people, living and passed over. You cannot extinguish it, not with the police, not with busybody neighbors peeking out from their shades and calling 911, not from your racist fear that Black people are out to harm your entitled, racist lily-white ass, not from hunting them down in daylight or hunting them down unannounced as they sleep in their beds dreaming of a better future after serving their community in a deadly #pandemicc. The fire grows ever higher, ever brilliantly. It spreads out to catch and feed the hearts of everyone who demands that #BlackLivesMatterAlways. It caught my ticking heart. Has it caught yours? If not, why is that? Why don’t you care about Black Lives? Just imagine looking in a mirror every day and wishing that people, especially white people, didn’t look at you and hate your Black skin, your beating heart, your Black culture, your #BlackityBlackBlackBlack soul. Just imagine for wanting to be loved, cared about, admired, and kept safe. I bet if you’re white, it’s pretty easy to imagine because you already have it. Then why don’t you want that for them? For their Black lives, their #Black skin, their Black children, their #ancestorswildestdreams?

#AllLivesCantMatterUntilBlackLivesDo #AllLivesCantMatterUntilBlackLivesMatterToo

And if you have a problem with that, then you have a problem with me and my lily-white ass and I am never going to stop speaking up for #BlackLivesMattering, especially at work and on motherfucking Next Door. Black Lives Matter is not political. Black Lives Matter is their lives, their skin, their hopes, their dream, their future. Look at the past that our ghostly pale asses put them through. Look at the present day, where it fucking continues under an illusion of equality lies. Black people deserve a better future and they should be given it without even having to demand it. And then y’all are surprised that they demand one, even if they kneel for it. What did you expect? What did you expect when you tied a rope around a tree and lynched out their breath? What did you expect when you stole them from their homelands, enslaved them, stacked them up like matchsticks to suffer a journey across the ocean (which they didn’t ask for), trapped them on foreign land, and demanded that they serve you without question, without resistance, and with respect? Respect that the masters and enslavers didn’t deserve, even! And then in present-day, white society still expects and demands that respect from Black people, even down to the style of every single strand of hair. And then you have the gall to respond to Black people with that “all lives matter” bullshit? You can’t even respect their names! Nor their Black skin. Their Black hair. Their Black food. Their Black voice. Their Black mind. Their #BlackityBlackBlack culture.

To be brutally and unrepentantly honest, if you can’t respect that Black Lives Matter, then I can’t respect you. If you can’t stand with the movement of voices calling for Black Lives to matter now and in the future, then you are not as good of a person as you think you are. You are by no means as Christian as you think you are. There are #Satanists better than you because they often support Black Lives Mattering. Hell, there are even #witchesagainstwhitesupremecy, including myself 🔥🧙‍♀️🔥.

Try as you might, the fire burning in these hearts will never go out in the fight for Black Lives Matter This fire is as born of pain old as time, and it spreads across space, across generations, beyond death, throughout life. You cannot stop the fight for Black Lives Matter. Be as angry as you want about it, but you’re only #TellingOnYourself. That’s all right though. We can see you coming, going, ignoring. You’re not hiding anything. We see your Trump signs, your police support signs, your smirks, and your stares as we support Black Lives Matter. It’s a real shame how you refuse to support Black human rights. It speaks volumes about your heart and your character. Volumes on your hypocrisy as a human being.

We see you. We know you. And we’ll fight for Black Lives Matter in spite of every stupid selfish, and sociopathic thing you try to use to block it. This fire burns so brightly in their hearts, minds, souls, that not even Death dare extinguish it. Who do you think was there waiting with open arms to console the Black lives crossing over? Who do you think held them safe as they crossed the other side into the brilliant light and stood watching as they reunited with other Black lives that have already crossed over? Who do you think was there to escort the white masters and others who contributed to Black enslavement into Final Judgment? Life and Death are eternal, as is the fire that they lit within each of us as we are born and as we die, to rejoin the Light. I think Life and Death are tired, just as Black people are exhausted themselves. Life knows this and keeps that fire burning, even through unending exhaustion. Death knows this and makes certain that the ancestors can reach their descendants, direct blood or not, from the other side. Watching over them, always. They are their #ancestorwildestdream And no one, no one…not even selfish scared racists in selfish white Suburbia can stop the truest #love

PhilandoCastil #AltonSterling #BreonnaTaylor #AhmaudArbery #DanielPrude #georgerobinson #deonkay #damianlamardaniels #DijonKizzee #TrayfordPellerin #JacobBlake #DavidMcAtee #SeanReed #TamirRice #BothamJean #MichaelBrown #TonyMcDade #EJBRADFORD #MichaelDean #JameeJohnson #AntwonRose #StephonClark #YassinMohamed #finanberhe #stevendemarcotaylor #arianemccree #TerranceFranklin #MilesHall #DariusTarver #WilliamGreen #samueldavidmallard #kwamekkjones #DeVonBailey #ChristopherWhitfield #AnthonyHill #EricLogan #JamarionRobinson #GregoryHill #jaquavionslaton #RyanTwyman #BrandonWebber #JimmyAtchison #williemccoy

NatashaMcKenna #MichelleCusseaux #DettrickGriffin #JemelRoberson #dandreballard #robertlawrencewhite #AnthonyLamarSmith #RamarleyGraham #ManuelLogginsJr #teayvonmartin #WendellAllen #KendrecMcDade #LarryJackson #JonathanFerrell #JordanBaker #VictorWhite #DontreHamilton #EricGarner #JohnCrawfordIII#riahmilton #dominiqueremmie #KathrynJohnston #KorrynGaines #AtatianaJefferson #TanishaAnderson #CharleenaLyles #PearlieGolden #KaylaMoore #duannajohnson #IndiaKager #aiyannastanleyjones #RekiaBoyd #shellyfrey #eleanorbumpus #MyaHall #MiriamCarey #SandraBland #natashamckenna #KyamLivingston #YvetteSmith #shellyfrey

EzellFord #DanteParker #kajiennepowell #LaquanMcDonald #AkaiGurley #RumainBrisbon #JerameReid #CharlyKeunang #TonyRobinson #WalterScott #BrendonGlenn #SamuelDubose #ChristianTaylor #jamarclark #MarioWoods #QuintonioLeGrier #GregoryGunn #akieldenkins #altonsterling #TerrenceSterling #TerenceCrutcher #KeithLamontScott #AlfredOlango #JordanEdwards #stephonclark #DannyRayThomas #DejuanGuillory #PatrickHarmon #jonathanhart #mauricegranton #juliusjohnson #DarnishaHarris #MalissaWilliams #AlesiaThomas #ShantelDavis #ShereeseFrancis #TarikaWilson #kathrynjohnston #AlbertaSpruill #KendraJames #EmmettTill and these are the ones known, documented. Process that.

BlackLivesMatterEveryday #SayHerName #nojusticepeace

The Privilege of Turning Away

Standard

It seems that I have lost a fellow Rheumatoid Arthritis friend over my blunt, informed, and unapologetic Anti-Racism stance. Though Durazo might put it another way…

Someone who I fully believed in, especially as they navigate their life with this horrible disease, whether a new problem or new journey. As an old soul with this never-ending disease, I know it helps to connect with others suffering from this same bullshit. Because it never goes away really. It just looks for sneakier ways to attack from inside.

Oh, what does that remind me of? 

I don’t recall saying anything rude nor truly problematic. Those who know me in real life or even long and well enough on here (but especially in real life) know that I’m capable of saying some shit out of nowhere. Zing! Absolutely brilliant stuff. Think like Wednesday Addams deadpanning. Wide eyes and dropped jaws abound.

But the people who know me in real life usually understand why I don’t sugarcoat things, especially when it comes to the issues of social justice and Anti-Racism. Especially those who have become my friends through 14 years of working together. Many of them see the problem of oppression within our society and community. Some actually live it. No matter what they do or where they go, they’re forced to experience racism. 

There are things I can get away with that they can’t because of my white privilege, such as calling out and naming a coworker’s and their racist action publicly, to HR’s chagrin. Because of that blindingly white privilege, there are many things that I have no room to judge any Black person on, whatsoever. Today’s lesson involves riots and looting.

Us white people have no room to judge how Black people feel in fighting for their lives, especially when it comes to the particulars of how they have to fight. I’m sorry that so few people comprehend this about Black Lives Matter. I’m not sorry that Designer stores were damaged during the urgency of protesting Black oppression. Also not sorry that I refuse to judge, again because that’s not my lane to ever judge within. Period. Not sorry that I (repeatedly) posted information to educate on the existence and psychology of “riotous behavior”.

However,  I am sorry that I held back on responding more, if at all, to their posts about the riots. Calling out unfair and privileged judgment. But I figured my Facebook posts (incessant as they are) would help do the work for me. I didn’t argue on their page since it’s often promotional for work in various industries. I generously respected that due to the shared path of RA. I rolled my eyes and scrolled right on past, tucking a little red flag away for the time being. I continued posting Anti-Racism information. 

Probem is…I notice everything. You just told on yourself. I see what you did there. Most might just unfollow, because as mentioned before, incessant posting sessions. And just like some in my family, after I had called out a problematic family member (racism and misogyny) for which excuses are often made; friends but not really…not anymore, since I made them uncomfortable, angry, bothered.

But that’s all right. They’re just telling on themselves. Just like you. It’s funny though. Us RA patients, we’re so used to being uncomfortable. In our bodies, from the physical pain. Uncontrollable, random, hovering always, threatening to ruin everything. I’m okay with being uncomfortable, at least more than most. I can sit with it. Acknowledge its existence. Unpack it and learn from it. But I tend to forget that not every RA patient, not every white person, is as seemingly capable or as comfortable nor as empathetic. This is a disease inside of us, destroying us from inside out. We pursue treatments to help ourselves and curb its destruction. We’ve got options available and we doggedly pursue obtaining them because we want to stop the disease, the destruction, the whole process destroying us from inside out.

But what happens when we don’t have options? Or when those in power over our access (insurance companies or government agencies, laws, etc.) stand in our way? We want to fight them. Make them listen. Get them to help us now. NOW. Not tomorrow. There might not be a tomorrow. It hurts so much. Well, what if they didn’t listen? Didn’t care? Negated and rejected us, our needs, our right to be comfortable in our bodies, our skin, at every fucking turn? And not just once, but repeatedly. Day after day. Environment after environment. Situation after situation. Generation after generation. 

Would you be calm, content to play by their rules all the time, even after having learned already that they don’t fucking listen, they don’t fucking care…just another body, another annoyance, something to reject. The little rules and policies that work for them will never work for you, because it’s designed that way. Designed to work against you. Designed to destroy you from inside out, a constant state of inflammation, burning and eating you up until there’s nothing left but desperate rage to be heard, to live, to be valid in the eyes and hearts of them all.

They want to destroy you. But you don’t want to be destroyed. You want it to stop. You want to live, to breathe. But you can’t breathe. Not anymore. You can’t hold that fire burning inside you, burning up all of your oxygen. Not anymore. You can’t let it destroy you ANYMORE. So you take the fire burning inside and burn it out through your body into the world, onto what they care about. Things, not people. Appearances, not humanity. Stores and their facades. Image and privilege on a pedestal. 

So when you judge their riotous behavior, you judge their right to be so justifiably enraged by how society is specifically designed to mistreat them in life, day after fucking day. Generation after generation. 

You expect people fighting for their lives to do so politely? Fuck off with that bullshit. So many Black lives have been destroyed. All killed simply for existing. Beating hearts slaughtered over and over, day after year after generation.

Burn that whole motherfucker down.

Pillage

Standard

I’m really tired of healthy people bitching about the inconveniences of face masks and social distancing during a pandemic of a viral illness. At least y’all get some warning and know it’s around.

With chronic illness, it comes out of fucking nowhere and one day, you’re just sitting there wondering why you can’t bend your damn fingers. Why it hurts to get out of a chair. Why it hurts to lay in bed and you can’t sleep because it’s constant. And there’s no fucking cure. You’re stuck with a new normal and life is never again the same.

June marks 25 years since my diagnosis. Next fall season will mark my 26th year. I went from Fall to June and was becoming a cripple, at age 15/16. And people wanna complain about the pandemic new normal and wearing a face mask for an ounce of prevention.

Do you know how many of us wish we could have prevented our chronic incurable painful disease? So many people have already been robbed by Covid-19…patients, families, dead or injured. Why can’t anyone fucking realize that you don’t ever get that shit back?! It’s priceless. Once it’s gone, it’s fucking gone forever.

Do you really want that kind of new normal? The kind with no new memories? The kind full of tears and dust in the wind? The kind of normal where you can’t really breathe, either because you’re sobbing from your loss so much or because your lungs are so scarred by viral disease.

You better take that last deep breathe now, it’s going to have to last you forevermore. Remember, there are no guarantees.

But if you had that one chance, just that one chance to stop it…would you?

I’m here to tell you that you should. Don’t rob yourself into being devastated by death or disease.

And you will feel devastated.

That I can guarantee.

Some People Don’t Deserve to Work in Healthcare…Part 1

Standard

As an immunocompromised of over 25 years who depends on the healthcare industry and its workers, I have had it up to here with those who minimize or discredit health issues, such as being against vaccinations or minimizing global pandemics.

Today’s example is brought to us by Janie Hummel here in the Dayton, Ohio area. She claims Covid-19 is a benign virus. I’m certain that those who have died, as well as their loved ones, disagree for the obvious deadly truth.

Run a simple Google search and you can see that she’s even worked for WPAFB via healthcare.

Quite honestly, we deserve better from those working in healthcare. Your duty is to protect the health of the public but you choose to claim Covid-19 is a benign virus?

Unacceptable.

2/23/2020

Standard

Running feels so free to do. It’s just you, your body cleansing itself from heart, muscle to mind. Pumping your legs. It feels like this freedom within the body. It honestly feels so good. And it’s so healthy for you. And Ahmaud couldn’t even have that. He couldn’t even have a nice run in broad daylight on a neighborhood street because 3 racists refused to see his humanity.


In those moments before the murderers crossed his path, he must have felt so free; In the wind, breathing deep. Yet he wasn’t free to run. He wasn’t free to deeply gulp in the fresh wind as he pumped his legs, feet striking the ground of the supposed “Land of the Free, Home of the Brave”. Imagine how good he must have felt when he started his jog. The wind in his face, body free and moving forward with his strength burning from inside his muscles, free to breathe. Then imagine his horror when he saw that truck, parked and waiting for him. You can see he is strong as he runs and changes course. You can see it as he is forced to fight for his life. But racism is stronger, disgustingly so. Racism is insidious. It kills with abandon. Racism killed #AhmaudArbery.


Every bullet was filled with hate. It took his breath away forever. No more running with the wind hitting his face, inhaling that fresh sun-filled air deep into his lungs. No more feet striking the pavement, pushing forward to free his own body and mind against the world. His life and body were taken from him by hatred for his life and his body because of the color of his skin. Never mind that his muscles and his bones were born human. He was his “ancestors’ wildest dreams,” as their quote goes…and then the horrifying nightmare of racism reared its ugly head to lynch him.


All he wanted in those moments was to run free in the wind. To run free, alive. Not run for his life, as he was forced to do in the end. But to run and be alive; feel his life, pumping through his legs into his heart, breathing deeply, exhilarated by the joy of being alive. When running, the movements feel like freedom. Fully alive. But racism doesn’t care how he felt running free in the wind. It hates that he’s alive. Racism slaughtered him to the ground, no longer free to live those “wildest dreams” of his ancestors, as the quote goes. There, one moment. Extinguished in the next. Racism kills dreams. Racism killed #AhmaudArbery.

Racism protects his murderers and then condemns the life of Ahmaud; a life running free in the sun and the wind, breathing in deep the freedom to be here now and soar with his own power pumping from his muscles through his feet. Racism stopped his feet. Racism stopped his heart. Racism took his breath and lynched him in broad daylight, slaughtered onto the street, treated like an animal and not as a human being. But he was a human being. Ahmaud’s whole life, as human as you and me! His murderers though, are monsters of humanity. They don’t deserve to be recognized as human “beings”…They don’t belong among us. Though they are…there are others like them among us, for racism is insidious. It hides and lurks in humans, in thoughts and rationalizations, not always buried deep. It’s on the tip of their tongue, waiting to be expressed, exposed, explained., treated as though innocent and innocuous. But racism isn’t innocent nor innocuous. Racism kills. It kills humans, people, friends, neighbors, loved ones, family, children, adults, human beings! It kills without remorse, repentance, reparations. Racism kills with impunity. Racism killed #AhmaudArbery.
#RunWithMaud